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20 Ridiculous Spam Comments You Can’t Resist Reading

Spam sucks. It fills our email inboxes, it floods our Twitter feeds, and it tries to take over our blogs’ comment sections. In short, it drives us crazy.

But sometimes, we can’t help but laugh at spammers’ lame attempts to get links back to their questionable websites!

If you need a good chuckle today, then take a few minutes to peruse the images below. Each one was copied directly from our spam comments section for your reading pleasure, and I’ve added my own commentary below the photos — just for giggles.

Enjoy!

1.

Did they have a sale on adverbs at the last spammer convention?

2.

Piece of content, you’re welcome! But I don’t want more.

3.

Well, I’ll be sure to check the spelling before you come again again!

4.

First of all, this is a terrible story. Second of all, why would you tell a stranger about this? Maybe you should apologize to your daughter instead…oh, wait. She doesn’t exist.

5.

I always do my best to include infos in my blog posts, especially vital ones. So thank you for peering.

6.

I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re trying to convey. Perhaps you should use a better translation website?

7.

I’m certain I haven’t met any of you, either. Thank the gods.

8.

You’re welcome…?

9.

Your cousin sounds like an a**hole. Make her buy you a new iPad — problem solved. I hope 83 views was worth $500 to her.

10.

You’re WHAT? No, I will not drop you an email. And please don’t touch me.

11.

Wait, I’m confused. Who’s Johnson? Is that your spouse? Also, how much is that e-book you’ve been saving for?

12.

Don’t feel bad, I often brood about in case my hosting, too.

13.

Sure, go ahead and share it with your MySpace group. Let me know how that goes for you.

14.

You cried for joy at my well-written strategy? That must have been some content.

15.

I don’t know what to say…your words are too powerful.

16.

Huh?

17.

Yeah, those bodies really need to knock off the pirating!

18.

Fact: Important infos are my favorite type of infos.

19.

Oh, thank goodness! Finally, a trustworthy commenter!

20.

That’s me, all right: quick copy writer by day, and shark man by night. Who told you, my precious!?!

Okay, now it’s time to use the comments section and tell me which one of these is the most entertaining. Go!

Do you get spam comments, too? What’s the funniest comment you’ve ever received?

Image credit to hegarty_david.


Jill Tooley

Jill has been obsessed with words since her fingers could turn the pages of a book. She’s a hopeless bibliophile who recently purchased a Kindle after almost 6 years of radical opposition, and she loves stumbling upon new music on Pandora. Random interests include (but are not limited to) bookstores, movie memorabilia, and adorable rodents. Jill writes for the QLP blog and assists with the company’s social media accounts. You can connect with Jill on Google+.

Comments

  1. Jeff Porretto

    This is…. special. You poor souls that have to sift through this mess daily. How did you even get the idea to compile this list for a post? Spectacular!

    I think #3 is my favorite. Pot, meet kettle. Also, thanks for the entropy Shark Man!

    • Jill Tooley

      After reading aloud numerous spam comments in our office, the idea sort of came together! The cool thing is, there’s no shortage of crap like this, so there could always be a sequel on the horizon… ;)

      Thanks, Jeff! Glad you enjoyed it!

  2. Mandy Kilinskis

    thanks for imrpotant infos i admit was not sure on subject but you made clear. i am not sure if my cousin gave you info but I believe he def is knowledgable.

    your load time is spendid and you give me many things to apply to my own blog. i also think is content i have could be good for your readers. lets reach out and give each other the links. please visit it at 348923jfsdfmdfg.dancingcat.iswearitsnotporn.net.org.blogspot/pradaknockoffs.

    Maintain up the good job!!!!!

    • Jenna Markowski

      HAHAHAH, I love that link, Mandy.

    • Jill Tooley

      Thanks for the inspiration to turn this junk into something worthwhile! :D And I love your equally ridiculous comment, although, it’s hard to get to the same level as these “people” even when trying.

      I wish that site existed — I’d bookmark it for sure!!

  3. Amy Swanson

    Yay, way to go “Shark Man” on compiling these spam comments without your eyes bleeding! Wow!! A couple of them I had to read three or four times just to figure out what the heck they were attempting to say. Yikes!! Remember Jill, “you generate our house proud!” ;) Maintain up the good job!!

    • Jill Tooley

      I totally need a shirt that says “shark man” on it — that IS my alter-ego, after all!

      I’ll ALWAYS maintain up the good job. Hmm, is there another way to say that? If there is, then there’s no way it could be worded better! ;)

  4. Jenna Markowski

    Hahahahaha, oh my goodness. This post rules. I think #10 is my favorite, “I am taking a look ahead to touch you.” I think I should start using that as a pick-up line. #20 is pretty good, too. I’d be honored if anyone told me I happen to be shark man. I am also pretty fond of the hermit crab story. What a delightfully irrelevant tale!

    Spam may be annoying, but also endless happy you enjoy. :D

    • Jill Tooley

      That would make an excellent pick up line, Jenna! You should try it sometime and let me know how the person responds.

      Haha, you’re so right…we wouldn’t have nearly as many hilarious QLP catch phrases if these comments didn’t exist! ;)

      Thanks, Jenna!

  5. Jaimie Smith

    Jill this was awesome! I loved your comments for each of them!
    I think my favorite were the story ones that they “just had to tell someone”
    Who just drops an ipad like that? what a piece of sh!t!

    • Jill Tooley

      Thanks, Jaimie, I’m glad you liked it! :)

      It’s funny, when I first started managing the blog it was sometimes difficult to tell which comments were spam and which ones just happened to be poorly written. But now, I can spot them a mile away! The “just had to tell someone” comment is pretty common nowadays, but the story itself varies. I could probably get an entire post out of JUST the “stories”…hmmm…

  6. Tim

    #8 and #19…. Can’t tell if spammer or just trolling… :-P Thanks for the comic relief!

  7. Candice J.

    I think #13 is my favorite for the simple fact of who really uses myspace anymore? I mean, REALLY!?! Only stalkers and creepers are on there and I don’t think any of our articles relate to them. Thanks but no thanks, creepy comment guy!

    • Jill Tooley

      Yeah, I laughed pretty hard at that one, too! Myspace is trying to make a comeback, but I don’t think it’s the prime network to share articles anymore. Maybe they should have done their research! Thanks! :)

  8. Bret

    The guy from #16 sounds like he wants to Hot Carl our blog… I’m scared! :(

  9. Rich M

    I’d almost believe the Myspace comment was real except for the fact that it referenced still using Myspace.

  10. Cybernetic SAM

    You happen to be Shark man!??!!? I think that one and the one about entropy are my favorite! This was awesome. Many I thank of you to share in content for man of me to read with immediate pleasure. :P There try and figure that one out!

    • Jill Tooley

      Believe it or not, your comment made more sense than 99% of the stuff we get! ;)

  11. Jen

    Hello my loved one! I have to say #20 almost made me pee my pants, “My own ring the lord?”. I couldn’t contain my laughter in the office, this post needs a warning! Nevertheless hi, anyway I am trustworthy.

    Great post Shark man, it includes almost all vital infos!

    • Jill Tooley

      Hahaha! I was laughing and crying the day that came through! By far my favorite, EVER.

      Thanks, Jen! :)

      Sincerely,

      Shark Man

  12. Lisa B

    Hello My Loved One!!!! I think from now on, instead of my boring Dear Client, or Good Morning Supplier, I will start all emails with, Hello My Loved One.
    This is hilarious!

    • Jill Tooley

      You should, Lisa! Maybe it’s time for a switch! ;)

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment — it’s always nice to see you here!!

  13. Rachel

    #11, about the e-book, is great. “Saving up” for an e-book? Really?

    Thanks for the laugh, Jill! :)

    • Jill Tooley

      Hilarious! How much could an e-book possibly cost?!? I don’t think I’ve seen one over $10, ever.

      No problem, Rachel, and thanks for commenting! :)

  14. Eric

    Did someone dunk a Furby owned by a Tourette’s patient in water, short it out, then transcribe the dictation? #WHATTHE#$%^ISGOINGON?!?!?

    Funny stuff, that’s for darn sure.

  15. Dave Kokandy

    This is amazing. I get some of the same stuff on the blog I write for work, and a little digging leads to “SEO optimization” websites or other sketchy content on the web. This is why I doubt a Matrix-style robot apocalypse will ever really happen… no offense, but all these automated spambots have real quirks. Please don’t copy my comment here onto MySpace… I can’t stand all the attention. Thanks for the laughs.

    • Jill Tooley

      Thanks for your comment, Dave!

      Product spam has been pouring in like crazy lately — fake comments arguing about Zune vs. Apple seem to be the latest trend, although I’m not sure why that merits debate in the first place. But every once in a while, there are some gleaming gems like the ones you read here! Those are my favorites.

      Aw, man…I was going to go straight to my MySpace group and post this, but I’ll respect your privacy. Shucks! ;)

  16. Bell

    My favorite, to date, is the oft-repeated spam email I get from Russian (or Ukrainian? I have no idea) “dating” sites.

    They always start
    “Hello, my dear, how are you. I live with you in the same place.”

    That explains why I can’t stop looking over my shoulder. * gah * *neck cramp* *gahhh* CRACK omigod º-º someonepleasecallanambulance

    • Jill Tooley

      Now THAT is creepy! We get dating spam from time to time, but lately there’s been a crap ton of product spam over anything else. Lucky for me, because it’s pretty darn easy to distinguish those from legitimate comments…

  17. Bell

    Post-Scriptum:

    Is it possible that these are all written by orcs with college degrees?

    I mean, anyone who says “zug zug” instead of “yes” clearly doesn’t know what words mean.
    Wow, I managed to sneak in a Warcraft II reference.

    Hang on… does it count as “sneaking in” if you openly declare you sneaked it in? Please say yes, my neurons are too tired to contemplate any other possibilities. (But not, it seems, to concoct long-winded sentences involving ten-dollar words.)

    • Jill Tooley

      Orcs with college degrees? Brilliant. I think I need to turn that into a story! I can see the cover now…

      I’m going to go out on a limb and say that YES (rather, “zug zug”), your Warcraft II reference counts as sneaking even though you mentioned it. But mostly because I’m genuinely concerned about your neurons’ welfare. ;) How are they holding up these days, anyway?

      THANK YOU for stopping by to comment! It’s always a pleasure!

  18. Vern-Matic

    These look like they were written by Bizzaro-Superman and The Hulk using Google Translate!?!?!

    Me cousin took iPad and threw off side of building to become youtube sensation, so Hulk throw rock at her!!!!

    • Jill Tooley

      Hahaha! Vern, you crack me up! That’s exactly what it’s like. :)

      HULK SMASH!!

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