As we head out of the rapture and into the impending apocalypse, I’m curious to see if 2012 does in fact bring the end of the world. We could argue back and forth what the true definition of “end of the world” is and whether or not it’s all a bunch of hoopla, but I think it’s more important to figure out who will still be there for us once the hailstorms and volcanoes have faded.
Provided that there is still internet, these are my picks for the five brands that will survive the apocalypse.
Apple. With the integration of Twitter into their next operating system, iPhone 4S, and expanding their market into Sprint, I expect another surge in iOS devices before the 2012 fallout. We’ll be able to text, call, or FaceTime our friends to let them know that we did survive, and quickly download Twilight for those lonely nights spent camping on the edge of deserted highways. After all, once someone actually finds the last Bengal tiger on Earth, you know they’re going to share that on Instagram.
Facebook. This social network dominator won’t let a little thing like Armageddon stop it. I can vividly imagine Mark Zuckerberg laughing as the meteors come raining down and then posting a picture of it to his timeline. As all of our libraries and records will be wiped out in the destruction, Facebook will be our only source of information. So everyone better update your timelines accurately. Also, could you be a pal and check in when you find a source of fresh water?
Google. But this doesn’t mean that Google will be going away, either. How else will you be able to find food? Since human contact will probably be limited, we’ll have to rely on precise searches like: “Where are tacos in what used to be Santa Barbara California?” and “300 ways to prepare Twinkies.” With the UN and capital buildings in ruins, Google+ will be the new standard for international diplomacy. Meetings will be conducted with hangouts, and everyone will sign peace treaties via a shared Google document.
Amazon. Just like Taco Bell won the fast food wars in Demolition Man, Amazon will win the retail wars post-apocalypse. This online super store giant will not only continue their website, but they will also move into any and all abandoned Walmarts and Targets. Amazon Marketplace will move into the parking lots and will turn into a bazaar straight out of Aladdin. Amazingly, Amazon Prime members will still be able to receive their purchases in two days.
Starbucks. For apocalypse refugees, Starbucks will be there to open their doors. As we’re going to need all the free wi-fi and caffeine we can get, I expect that society will gravitate to Starbucks stores. The coffee giant will then probably expand into real estate. Gold card members will instantly form the next upper class. Starbucks will still charge an arm and a leg for coffee. And I literally mean your limbs. What else will we have for currency?
Which of these brands are you rooting for to still be around after the hellfire? Any other brands that you think could survive the apocalypse?