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5 Brands That Will Survive the Apocalypse

As we head out of the rapture and into the impending apocalypse, I’m curious to see if 2012 does in fact bring the end of the world. We could argue back and forth what the true definition of “end of the world” is and whether or not it’s all a bunch of hoopla, but I think it’s more important to figure out who will still be there for us once the hailstorms and volcanoes have faded.

Provided that there is still internet, these are my picks for the five brands that will survive the apocalypse.

Apple. With the integration of Twitter into their next operating system, iPhone 4S, and expanding their market into Sprint, I expect another surge in iOS devices before the 2012 fallout. We’ll be able to text, call, or FaceTime our friends to let them know that we did survive, and quickly download Twilight for those lonely nights spent camping on the edge of deserted highways. After all, once someone actually finds the last Bengal tiger on Earth, you know they’re going to share that on Instagram.

Facebook Guru

Meteors are falling to the Earth? How quaint. I’ll make it my timeline header.

Facebook. This social network dominator won’t let a little thing like Armageddon stop it. I can vividly imagine Mark Zuckerberg laughing as the meteors come raining down and then posting a picture of it to his timeline. As all of our libraries and records will be wiped out in the destruction, Facebook will be our only source of information. So everyone better update your timelines accurately. Also, could you be a pal and check in when you find a source of fresh water?

Google. But this doesn’t mean that Google will be going away, either. How else will you be able to find food? Since human contact will probably be limited, we’ll have to rely on precise searches like: “Where are tacos in what used to be Santa Barbara California?” and “300 ways to prepare Twinkies.” With the UN and capital buildings in ruins, Google+ will be the new standard for international diplomacy. Meetings will be conducted with hangouts, and everyone will sign peace treaties via a shared Google document.

Amazon. Just like Taco Bell won the fast food wars in Demolition Man, Amazon will win the retail wars post-apocalypse. This online super store giant will not only continue their website, but they will also move into any and all abandoned Walmarts and Targets. Amazon Marketplace will move into the parking lots and will turn into a bazaar straight out of Aladdin. Amazingly, Amazon Prime members will still be able to receive their purchases in two days.

Starbucks

Soon we’ll all get to live on Caramel Macchiato Lane!

Starbucks. For apocalypse refugees, Starbucks will be there to open their doors. As we’re going to need all the free wi-fi and caffeine we can get, I expect that society will gravitate to Starbucks stores. The coffee giant will then probably expand into real estate. Gold card members will instantly form the next upper class. Starbucks will still charge an arm and a leg for coffee. And I literally mean your limbs. What else will we have for currency?

Which of these brands are you rooting for to still be around after the hellfire? Any other brands that you think could survive the apocalypse?

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Mandy Kilinskis

Mandy is proud to be a part of QLP’s content team. A self-professed nerd, her interests include video games, sitcoms, superhero movies, iPods and iPhones but never Macs, and shockingly, writing. Her claims to fame are: owning over forty pairs of Chuck Taylor All Stars, offering spot-on coffee advice, and knowing an unbelievable amount of Disney Princess facts. You can connect with Mandy on

Comments

  1. Rachel

    Hahahaha, I love everything about this. Need to learn how to hotwire an abandoned car on the side of that deserted highway? There’s an app for that! So I guess as long as all the wi-fi hotspots survive whatever apocalypse or zombie attack may occur in the future, we’ll be good to go. :)

    • Mandy Kilinskis

      I don’t think that anyone/any force would be cruel enough to wipe out our WiFi hotspots. If they do, we’re all screwed. Except for those people that like camping. They might live.

  2. amy

    I love the caption under your Mark Zuckerberg pic, “how quaint” indeed hahahaha ;)

    I wholeheartedly agree with the companies you’ve selected, right on the money Mandy!

    • Mandy Kilinskis

      That’s totally the face he’ll make if it ever happened. He probably already has some kind of fallout shelter with Facebook servers.

  3. Jill Tooley

    I can also picture Mark Zuckerberg laughing crazily as meteors fall from the heavens. No petty apocalypse is going to stop someone like him! I’ll tell you what’s on his mind: World domination!

    This blog made me laugh from start to finish. I love the snarkiness (is that a real word? Oh well, I’m using it anyway). There’s no way I believe all of that 2012 mumbo-jumbo, but face it…if there ever was an apocalypse I’m pretty sure we’d be set as long as we had these companies around. It could be far worse! I’m so psyched you were able to turn my snide remark into a crazy awesome blog post.

    I don’t normally use check-ins, but I’ll be sure to alert you to my location if I find a fresh water supply! ;)

    P.S. After reading your Amazon Marketplace/bazaar comment, I now have the “Prince Ali” song from Aladdin stuck in my head. Curses!!

    • Mandy Kilinskis

      And you know what? If a meteor storm wiped out our civilization, I have no doubt in my mind that he would take over the world. He already has the population of a massive country in Facebook users.

      I’m not a believer in any of the 2012 hoopla either, but I figure that all of us should know which brands to become loyal to now instead of when it’s too late.

      Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa…

  4. Bret Bonnet

    I think Aunt Jemima syrup should be added to this list! :)

  5. JPorretto

    I feel like Taco Bell and McDonalds would somehow survive. And if they don’t…. let the meteors take me; I wouldn’t want to live in that world anymore…

    • Mandy Kilinskis

      For your sake, Jeff, I hope that at least one survives. My bet is on McDonald’s.

  6. Kyle

    Ditto on Taco Bell. I’m sure their artificial beef could survive anything. Life without 5 layer burritos and cinnamon twists sounds like no life at all.

    • Mandy Kilinskis

      Note to Mark Zuckerberg: Please buy Taco Bell. QLP employees would like it in the aftermath.

      • Jenna Markowski

        PREACH. If there’s no Taco Bell, I’m throwin’ in the towel.

  7. Joseph Giorgi

    Hilarious post, Mandy! I think Wal-Mart would probably survive the apocalypse as well. Of course, it would be a bleak world indeed if Wal-Mart were our only shopping center.

    Also, nice Demolition Man reference. :)

    • Mandy Kilinskis

      Hey, I’m trying to be optimistic in which brands would survive the apocalypse! Maybe Meijer will overtake Walmart by then–a girl can dream!

      And thank you. We could all use a little John Spartan on a Friday. :)

  8. Jana Quinn

    Awesome. Love the Zombieland reference.

    You know, we’ve seen so many post-apocalyptic/zombie invasion movies that have people communicating only through CB radio or whatever, but what if zombies were on the loose but social media communication were still intact? Would zombies log on to see where people have checked in on Four Square? Would refugees leave reviews on Yelp about the satisfaction of staying in a boarded up Walmart (no windows = good for making camp, hard to find the olives, Snuggies way overpriced)? Would the government use MeetUp to get a head count on living officials and see who’s next in line for president?

    And Craigslist would definitely survive like the little roach-equivalent it is.

  9. jennifer

    i would have never guessed wow i have a mac book cool so cool but i don’t have an i phone see ya wonder what else star buck’s was a laugh as well my mom told me this if all that is left is small electronics and star buck’s and liqour store’s were ok see ya

  10. jennifer

    i almost forgot about this blog until my mom asked a very important question can i get on face book during the apocalypse even during the destruction of earth she has too chat about it bye

    • Mandy Kilinskis

      Ha! Thanks for coming back to leave a second comment, Jennifer! I don’t know if your mom will be able to be on Facebook during the apocalypse. My guess is no…but I guess we’ll see!

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