“Start saving your pennies now. People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together, and come to my show. I’m worth it.” – Madonna
That was Madonna’s response when a reporter asked if she thought charging fans $300 a ticket in this economy was the right thing to do. And she’s 100% right.
I spend $300 on crazy things all the time! Last month, I frivolously spent that on car insurance. I had to rear-end a grandma just to make that worth something.
And who spends $300 on handbags? I refuse to buy a purse unless it costs me $700 and at least two different types of animals had to die in order to make it.
Spending $300 to see a concert is ridiculous. Paying $300 to see Madonna should get you committed to the loony bin. To show just how insane that is, here are 5 promotional items that are not only cheaper, but far more useful than a ticket to see the “Material Girl.”
This tool kit has everything I could possibly need to help me fix my TV. Apparently televisions shatter when you throw them out a window. But that was the only way I could ensure I didn’t have to suffer through Madonna lip-syncing at the god-awful Super Bowl halftime show. And you can get THREE of these promotional products for less than one ticket in the nosebleed section.
If you listen to Madonna’s Golden Globe acceptance speech, she’ll tell you the award was all her doing. Nobody else helped anywhere along the way. Now you can win an award without anyone else’s help too! In fact, I just did!
“I, Alex Brodsky, accept this International Success Award for Best Grilled Cheese Sandwich Maker, with the utmost humility. I learned how to make the sandwich by myself, and then I made it. I deserve this award.”
That means I’d have enough to play a round of golf, lose my standard 15-20 balls in the water and still have enough left over to stand outside the United Center, chipping balls at Madonna’s tour bus in hopes that one will crash through a window, clock her in the head and knock her from the pedestal she has placed herself on.
It’s the hipster double-down! Radio and a fanny pack?! Talk about nostalgia. This will bring you back a couple decades, to the days when Madonna was actually somewhat relevant. Those days are long gone. Unfortunately, nobody has the heart to tell her that. Or more likely, somebody told her, snakes popped out of her head and she turned that person to stone.
This promotional item is slightly over Madonna’s ticket price when you buy the minimum, but is actually invaluable as it is 100% GUARANTEED Madonna repellent.
Nothing is more important than safety. These vests will make certain Madonna stays at a safe distance from you because it means you are what scares her the most: an average joe, blue collar worker. She wouldn’t be caught dead with you. The only way to be ignored faster by Madonna is to be the servant who brought her scrambled eggs for breakfast instead of her usual eye of newt.
So there we go. Five promotional items that are a far better value than watching Skeletor… err… Madonna prance around on a stage, mouthing along to songs from the 80s. So what are you going to do with your money? The choice is yours, and yours alone.
What do you think? And which of these promotional items would you rather have than Madonna tickets?