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5 Wedding Favors for Child-Free Receptions

Congratulations on your engagement!

You can live happily ever after… as soon as you finish planning the biggest event in your entire life that not only requires huge financial investment but also pressure from every side of your family and friend circles and no, babe, we CANNOT have a Mutant Ninja Turtles cake or have our first dance as a wedded couple be to ANYTHING from Top Gun, and yes, my aunt Helen will be there even if it you’re uncomfortable with her lazy eye. And no beer bongs.

On top of all the pressures of coordinating the events for that blissful day, you always want to send your guests home with something memorable – and not just memories of the best man getting wasted and trying to proposition a chair.

If you search “wedding favors” on Google, you wind up with 10,700,000 results. Slightly overwhelming, right? Luckily, there are as many different kinds of brides as there are Google search results, so we’re narrowing things down a bit for you.

For the couple that’s having a childfree wedding, congratulations! You’ve just saved yourself the bubbling, murderous rage that comes with having a baby scream through your vows and yank on the bride’s train because it’s “so pretty.” Granted, you’ve probably also pissed off 26% percent of your family, because now they need to pay a babysitter, but that if that is a cross you must bear, so be it.

The best way to distract yourself from that pain? Indulge in your favorite adult vices!

Manually Operated Porous Wood Layer Removal Device

Apparently “Screw ‘n Drink” was already taken.

Host ‘n Toast Wine Opener

The customized Host ‘n Toast Wine Opener includes a corkscrew, bottle-opener, and a 1-3/4” cutting blade for removing foil. Personalize each one with you and your hubby’s names and wedding date for nice reminder of the big day. Your wedding guests will love it, and they might even forgive you for not springing for an open bar.

This is made from Street Chrome. That's how you know it's hardcore.

Windproof? I’d settle for Burn-My-Own-Hand Proof.

Zippo Windproof Lighter

Whether you’re partaking in a smooth cigar out behind the reception hall or want to set off fireworks because hey, you just got freakin’ married, the personalized Zippo Windproof Lighter is the way to go. You already know about Zippo’s amazing quality lighters, but now you can add a special note about your wedding day on the side: proving that love’s flame burns forever.

Holds advanced degrees in beveraging.

Or, as I like to call it, the pop-glug-burp-ilator.

Beverage Pro

The custom Beverage Pro is not for amateurs. This personalized beer bottle and pop top opener has been around the block. By learning a little something about versatility (opening beer bottles and can tabs) and comfort (the finger-friendly rubber grip), your boozin’ experience will be as streamlined as the path from the bottom of the keg to the bottom of your belly.

Like a wiggly letter H.

Translucent red – the color of love

Health Massager

After hours of being a dancing fiend, the customized Health Massager is a fantastic way to relieve sore feet. Strenuous YMCA positions may also put your shoulders and back in knots – the personalized massager to the rescue! The electric slide also claims more lives every year than that liberal mainstream media would like for you to know, so protect yourself from achiness (not related to hangovers) with the custom Beverage Pro.

You should have seen the Stain-ful Steel version.

You tried so hard not to turn into your father that you turned into your grandfather.

Stainless Steel Flask

Remember that painful decision about not letting your guests have an open bar? Yeah, yeah, we know it meant the difference between having 100 drunk friends and 175 kind of drunk friends, but you had to do it. You can start making it up to guests by offering the customized Stainless Steel Flask. The 4 oz version lets your guests make that coffee at the end of the reception a little more Irish and sends them to sleep with minimal noise complaints from the other hotel guests.

What do you think of these favors for a childfree wedding? Anything else you’d have around when the little ones are tucked safely away? Do you have a childfree wedding horror story? Did a family member throw a fit? Did a defiant mom sneak her toddler in like a Chihuahua in a handbag? Sound off in the comments below!

Until next time, keep expanding your brand!

Jana



Jana Quinn

An old ‘G’ that’s been working for QLP since it was in Bret’s basement – Jana has been writing since she made up a story about a Jana-Tiger that liked rocky road ice cream and got straight A’s. She enjoys writing about marketing and pop culture, posting a ‘Die Hard’ article as often as she’s allowed. She is inspired by the articles at Cracked and frequently wears a Snuggie in the office. You can also connect with Jana on Google+.

Comments

  1. Jill Tooley

    I originally wanted to customize those exact flasks for my wedding…but then I realized that it wouldn’t exactly be kid-appropriate. We also considered clear shot glasses but ended up scrapping that idea for the same reason. But for adults-only gatherings, they’d probably be well received!

    I’ve never attended a child-free wedding or reception, but it would be cool to check one out sometime. At my wedding, during the Maid of Honor and Best Man speeches, someone’s baby was shrieking the entire time so now I have that charming memory forever immortalized on our camcorder… :( Thankfully, there weren’t many other children-related fiascoes to speak of!

    • Jana Quinn

      That’s crazy that the same flasks popped up in my search. I personally would have gone for it and told any present whippersnappers that it was Aunt Jana’s No-No Juice (Yes, I stole that from Community).

      A wedding ceremony is largely an adult function, and children who will not remember being there should not be there. I’ve seen my fair share of adorable child wedding behavior, but the wiggly ones always ruin it for the rest of them.

    • Amanda Sneed

      These are awesome favors to give out Jana! Nice selection.

      I have never been to a child free ceremony either, but I have been to a child free reception–and it was amazing!

      We had a similar experience….my husband’s cousin was getting married, and her sister was in the wedding party. The cousin standing up in the wedding party had a 2 year old son, and her husband was away in the Army…so she brought the little boy along. He fussed and cried so much (because he saw his mom up at the alter, but couldn’t get to her) that my husband had to remove him from the seats, and he missed the entire ceremony! It would have been much less stressful on everyone if she would have just gotten him a babysitter! Ugh.

  2. Joseph Giorgi

    Very cool suggestions, if I don’t say so myself.

    I LOVE Zippo lighters—so classy and stylish. I haven’t had the chance to use mine in a long time now that I think about it. They’d basically make ideal wedding favors, that’s for sure. They’re kind of pricey though, which is the only drawback.

    The wine openers are probably the best way to go. They’d be a sophisticated AND relatively inexpensive giveaway.

    Another awesome post, Jana! Love the captions for the pictures too. Hilarious! :)

    • JPorretto

      I missed the captions on the first go round! Those might be the best part of the whole post! Well done, well done.

      • Jana Quinn

        If you guys like the captions, you should check the mouse-over text. I always leave an extra little treat in each photo. Check my past posts, too. There are some gems, if I do say so myself.

        • Amanda Sneed

          How do you see the mouse over text? I tried running my mouse over it, but didn’t see anything. =(

          • Jill Tooley

            Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll be able to see the alt text on these particular pictures because they’re linked to the products. But you should go back and try it on some of her other posts! :)

            • Jana Quinn

              Turns out only Internet Explorer is consistently showing mouse-over text. Sorry, Chrome and Firefox users!

  3. JPorretto

    Hey little Timmy… does this rag smell like chloroform? There problem solved, everyone’s happy. No? Too far? Fine. Have it your way.

    Whatever happened to noisy kids simply being taken out of the room? It’s NOT ok to just sit there and let them wail. Just saying…

    And for some reason, the Beverage Pro looks like an angry Sea Lion to me…

    • Jana Quinn

      My mom was a big fan of Benedryl.

      Both of my parents were also in your camp: if my brother or I were a problem for someone else and ignoring the behavior (BRIEFLY) or redirecting it to something quiet didn’t work, we were hauled out of there. Being at a wedding (or in a mall or at a restaurant or a grocery store) is a privilege and consistently removing a privilege in response to unwanted behavior has consistently been pretty solid way to shape that behavior (until we are old enough to embarrass ourselves).

      It DOES look like an angry sea lion. Maybe that could be a blog post: promotional products that totally look like something else. The wheels are turning…

    • Amanda Sneed

      Wow it does look like a sea lion! It’s even got that huge mustache thing. =)

  4. Mr. Grumpy

    The BEST wedding favor you could EVER give away is to NOT have a wedding reception in the first place.

    Do us all a favor, buy a keg, go to CostCo and buy some cheap hamburgers, and organize a bags tournament. This sounds WAY more fun than having Aunt Helen shaking her bom bom on the dance floor or having to dish out $200.00 as a wedding gift just to help cover the half baked P.O.S. food that the hotel/hall/caterer provided.

    Seriously… The last thing I want is a can koozie in my kitchen to remember your wedding day. I’ve only got some much cabinet space and something has got to give! I want a wedding favor like I want triple bi-pass surgery! :)

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