The Walk of Shame: The Business of a Celebrity Wedding [RANT]
2011 was a huge year for weddings. Not only did we have the Royal Wedding, but we also had the Kardashian Wedding (Oh… Em… GEEEEEEEE!). Half of those couples are still together.
Why anyone would watch a televised wedding still boggles my mind. It’s all the boring parts without the open bar and the drunk bridesmaids.
Televised weddings: all the boring parts without the open bar and the drunk bridesmaids.
But people are obsessed with celebrities and they love weddings. It’s why 23 million Americans watched the Royal Wedding and 10.5 Million watched the Kris Humphries Wedding.
“To have and to hold, til death do us part, unless ratings slip, or I get a financial offer that’s way too good to pass up.” I didn’t actually watch the wedding, but I can only assume that is how Kim Kardashian’s vows to New Jersey Nets star* Kris Humphries went.
(* Humphries is not a star. He’s barely wanted on the team.)
After 72 days of marital bliss, Kim decided the marriage had served its purpose, run its course, and filed for divorce. So, what was the purpose? If you said “love,”… Aw, that’s cute… but please…
That is how much money Kim Kardashian made for her wedding. This figure is a combination of money made from sponsorships, freebies given to her (i.e. three different $20k Vera Wang dresses), and from selling the rights to the couple’s wedding pictures to People Magazine (reportedly $2.5 mil).
That number will rise with her divorce when she sells the rights to her first interviews and stories about how “tough it’s been on her” (cue the world’s smallest violin).
A recovering alcoholic and sex addict married a drunken party girl rebelling against a religious upbringing. Who saw that one going terribly?
Russell Brand doesn't seem the monogamous type...
Russell Brand, an admitted sex addict who has gushed about how awesome orgies are (this is true) married Katy Perry, who sings about getting drunk, blacking out and having 3-ways (such a great role model). Sounds like a match made in heaven.
In a strange twist for celebs, however, they chose not to profit by selling pictures of their private, non-televised wedding, even though they were offered “millions.” In an interview with Vanity Fair, Perry said it was to “keep the day special.” But she went on to say how she could always do that later for something else, like having a baby.
And sorry, Katy, but you're a terrible role model.
Oops… They might be regretting that decision now that Russell Brand has filed for divorce. At the time, however, Russell Brand had a movie coming out (Arthur… don’t see it) and Katy Perry had just dropped a new album (catchy and awful). Any publicity at the time raised their brand awareness and certainly made them more money.
However, publicity with celebrity marriages isn’t always good. Just ask Ashton Kutcher (#toolbox). Kutcher replaced “troubled” (to say the least) actor Charlie Sheen on the show 2 ½ Men.
Despite the fact that the show is utter garbage, the ratings soared with Ashton. And then there was a hot tub. It came out that Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore with two chicks in a San Diego hot tub (#respect)… On his and Demi’s anniversary.
After more sour publicity the show didn’t want, the ratings fell drastically (although again, this may have something to do with people realizing the show is terrible). This one is completely on Ashton. It’s his own fault for marrying a woman almost twice his age when he was an icon in his prime.
"Oh, hey Bruce! How's it going...?"
Maybe he’ll learn from this, his image will recover and he’ll be bankable to Hollywood once again. But to Kutcher I say, “Are you serious? You’ll cheat on a woman who still has ties to Bruce Willis? Have you seen Die Hard? The dude will end you.”
That’s not to say every celebrity marriage is done for publicity. Some really are done for love.
Like Jennifer Lopez and Ojani Noa. Though it only lasted 10 months, they thought it would be forever. Or like Jennifer Lopez and Chris Judd, who made it almost a year. Or like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony — Oh c’mon! Three strikes and you’re out! I think there might be a place in the Skank-tron Hall of Fame for Lopez when you add her broken engagement to Ben Affleck (he was trying to replace the hole Matt Damon left in his heart). How any of them lasted as long as they did with J-Lo baffles me. There’s not enough money in the world to get me to spend even one night with that stuck-up whiner. Good thing I can hear all about her and Marc Anthony’s divorce in their new reality show about it! It’ll be about as enthralling as C-SPAN.
Where am I going with this?…
In summation: No one is ruining the sanctity of marriage except for people like Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez.
Do you agree that celebrity weddings are mostly B.S.? Any more ridiculous publicity stunts to report?