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The Walk of Shame: The Business of a Celebrity Wedding [RANT]

2011 was a huge year for weddings. Not only did we have the Royal Wedding, but we also had the Kardashian Wedding (Oh… Em… GEEEEEEEE!). Half of those couples are still together.

Why anyone would watch a televised wedding still boggles my mind. It’s all the boring parts without the open bar and the drunk bridesmaids.

Prince William and Kate Middleton Wedding

Televised weddings: all the boring parts without the open bar and the drunk bridesmaids.

But people are obsessed with celebrities and they love weddings. It’s why 23 million Americans watched the Royal Wedding and 10.5 Million watched the Kris Humphries Wedding.

“To have and to hold, til death do us part, unless ratings slip, or I get a financial offer that’s way too good to pass up.” I didn’t actually watch the wedding, but I can only assume that is how Kim Kardashian’s vows to New Jersey Nets star* Kris Humphries went.

(* Humphries is not a star.  He’s barely wanted on the team.)

After 72 days of marital bliss, Kim decided the marriage had served its purpose, run its course, and filed for divorce. So, what was the purpose? If you said “love,”…  Aw, that’s cute… but please…

$17.9 million.

That is how much money Kim Kardashian made for her wedding. This figure is a combination of money made from sponsorships, freebies given to her (i.e. three different $20k Vera Wang dresses), and from selling the rights to the couple’s wedding pictures to People Magazine (reportedly $2.5 mil).

That number will rise with her divorce when she sells the rights to her first interviews and stories about how “tough it’s been on her” (cue the world’s smallest violin).

Elsewhere:

A recovering alcoholic and sex addict married a drunken party girl rebelling against a religious upbringing. Who saw that one going terribly?

Russell Brand

Russell Brand doesn't seem the monogamous type...

Russell Brand, an admitted sex addict who has gushed about how awesome orgies are (this is true) married Katy Perry, who sings about getting drunk, blacking out and having 3-ways (such a great role model). Sounds like a match made in heaven.

In a strange twist for celebs, however, they chose not to profit by selling pictures of their private, non-televised wedding, even though they were offered “millions.” In an interview with Vanity Fair, Perry said it was to “keep the day special.” But she went on to say how she could always do that later for something else, like having a baby.

Katy Perry

And sorry, Katy, but you're a terrible role model.

Oops… They might be regretting that decision now that Russell Brand has filed for divorce. At the time, however, Russell Brand had a movie coming out (Arthur… don’t see it) and Katy Perry had just dropped a new album (catchy and awful). Any publicity at the time raised their brand awareness and certainly made them more money.

However, publicity with celebrity marriages isn’t always good. Just ask Ashton Kutcher (#toolbox). Kutcher replaced “troubled” (to say the least) actor Charlie Sheen on the show 2 ½ Men.

Despite the fact that the show is utter garbage, the ratings soared with Ashton. And then there was a hot tub. It came out that Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore with two chicks in a San Diego hot tub (#respect)… On his and Demi’s anniversary.

After more sour publicity the show didn’t want, the ratings fell drastically (although again, this may have something to do with people realizing the show is terrible). This one is completely on Ashton. It’s his own fault for marrying a woman almost twice his age when he was an icon in his prime.

Ashton Kutcher

"Oh, hey Bruce! How's it going...?"

Maybe he’ll learn from this, his image will recover and he’ll be bankable to Hollywood once again. But to Kutcher I say, “Are you serious? You’ll cheat on a woman who still has ties to Bruce Willis? Have you seen Die Hard? The dude will end you.”

That’s not to say every celebrity marriage is done for publicity. Some really are done for love.

Like Jennifer Lopez and Ojani Noa. Though it only lasted 10 months, they thought it would be forever. Or like Jennifer Lopez and Chris Judd, who made it almost a year. Or like Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony — Oh c’mon!  Three strikes and you’re out! I think there might be a place in the Skank-tron Hall of Fame for Lopez when you add her broken engagement to Ben Affleck (he was trying to replace the hole Matt Damon left in his heart). How any of them lasted as long as they did with J-Lo baffles me. There’s not enough money in the world to get me to spend even one night with that stuck-up whiner. Good thing I can hear all about her and Marc Anthony’s divorce in their new reality show about it! It’ll be about as enthralling as C-SPAN.

Where am I going with this?…

In summation: No one is ruining the sanctity of marriage except for people like Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez.

Do you agree that celebrity weddings are mostly B.S.? Any more ridiculous publicity stunts to report?

Image credit to RSNY@DESIGNCOLLECTORhouseofcassininikotransmission, importcarcrazySportsAngle.com, and jdlasica.


Alex Brodsky

Alex is a video specialist and blogger at Quality Logo Products, putting his media background and screenwriting training to good use. When he's not working, he enjoys tinkering with his fantasy sports lineups, engaging in cheeky shenanigans, and cuddling. He must also get all of his caffeine from pop as he can't stand coffee. You can also connect with Alex on Google+.

Comments

  1. Mandy Kilinskis

    I can’t say that I particularly like J-Lo, but I think I need to know what she did to make you hate her so much.

    P.S. You never mess with Bruce Willis. Not unless you want to be thrown off a building.

    • Alex Brodsky

      My extreme dislike of J-Lo would take another long rant of its own. But it would end with Bruce Willis sparing Alan Rickman and dropping HER.

  2. Amy Swanson

    I love your blogs, Alex. Well done!! I know I’m a hopeless romantic because any time I hear of a celebrity getting married I instantly think it’ll work out. Some day I’ll learn that they never will . I will say though that I’m surprised Seal and Heidi Klum are calling it quits. They always seemed so happy and “normal”. Oh well.

    • Alex Brodsky

      I know! I really assumed Heidi and Seal would make it. But on the plus side… Heidi is single again.

      But at least that marriage wasn’t a phony one. Sometimes kids just don’t make it in this crazy world

  3. Doc

    As much as I agree with everything you said about celebrity weddings being a money making sham, you are so far off with ripping on Kris Humphries:

    “(* Humphries is not a star. He’s barely wanted on the team.)”

    He’s a starting power forward averaging 13 points and 11 rebounds a game and he’s one of only 9 players in the league averaging a double-double. Also, his team just paid 8 million dollars / year for his services. I don’t know many organizations that would dump 8 million on something they “barely wanted”.

    • Alex Brodsky

      We’re definitely going to disagree on Kris Humphries here. “Derrick rose. Kobe Bryant. Lebron James. Kris Humphries.” Doesn’t work. He’s far away from being a star.

      Chris Kamen was averaging a double-double for the Clippers at the beginning of last season, so that really means nothing. The only reason he got $8 million is cause the Nets have a trigger happy billionaire owner who just throws around money, hoping to build a winner. There’s a reason the Nets were competing against themselves to sign Humphries, and even THEY waited til all the Kardashian garbage was done and out of the way.

  4. Joseph Giorgi

    This post is hilarious, man! I guess celebrity weddings really are more of a “business” than anything else. Go figure!

    Side note: Bruce Willis should definitely “end” Ashton Kutcher!

    • Alex Brodsky

      Thanks man! And yes, John McClane should open a can of whoop a$$ on Kelso. Not just cause of Demi. Just because he can.

      • Cybernetic SAM

        Joe, for the most part with the average couple (with a few exceptions) marriage is a business. Not necessarily in the couple’s eyes, but think about the amount of money people pour into weddings and that we glamorize this status of “the perfect day,” and it is only achieved through the low, low average price of about 25k!!!!!! That is INSANE!!!!! That is why I do tip my hat to those who break through the social norms and make it about breaking standards and standing out — why would you want a wedding like everyone else’s? You two as a couple and as individuals are not like everyone else, so be BOLD and different, and don’t think that everything has to be based on the almighty $. It is not the average couple’s fault, though, for having this mindset; we are bombarded day in and day out (from the time we start making sense of the world as children) that this is the way it has to be, and I for one think and have always thought that big, fancy weddings are stuffy and BORING! Sorry, I ought to stop before my preferences as an individual offend people. All I can say is, if you get married, then do something cool and unique. Certainly your wedding will be the one people will remember.

  5. Jaimie Smith

    This was a great blog! However I must say I LOVE the Kardashians! I am obsessed! But I do agree on your statements. Kim is in love with being in love and in love with fame and money. I watch her show all the time. I have no idea why the two of them got married. They are just not right for each other. I personally do not understand why any of the guys get themselves involved with them. I feel bad saying this because like I said, i loveee the Kardashians. But everyone knows what they are about and the kind of stuff that they do. But yet, people still date/marry them. I feel as though the only legit and down to earth one is maybe Khloe.
    And I have to admit that I was sad to see Russell Brand and Katy Perry get divorced. I thought they were cute.
    Anyway, great blog Alex. :)

    • Alex Brodsky

      You’re right. Kim loves Kim and money. And she’s surrounded by a ton of people who will do whatever it takes to keep raking in the dough, since they all get a cut of it.

      I agree with you that these people should know what they’re getting themselves into when they get involved with a Kardashian, but guys are stupid when it comes to girls.

  6. Candice J.

    I do think that celebrity weddings are a bit of a sham. I don’t care who you are, something’s deserved to be shared between you, your partner, and the people closest to you. As much as i might be curious to know “well did this star cry when they read their vows” or “what does this star’s child look like”, at the end of the day if I don’t know them personally I don’t NEED to know. I know when you are a star you feel some sort of loyalty to your fans but it wasn’t like this 50 years ago or 100 years ago. There were celebrities back then. And if your fan base doesn’t understand, well maybe you need a new fan base. I just believe i don’t need to know everything about everyone and all the things they are doing all the time. It’s such an overkill.

    • Alex Brodsky

      I couldn’t have said it better myself. This new culture of voyeurism is totally creepy and unnecessary.

  7. Jen

    I agree with you on all accounts Alex! I cringe every time I learn a “celebrity” is tying the knot. Most of the marriages don’t even last a year! I got engaged last year about the same time Kim K. and Kris H. got engaged. They were married before I even found my wedding venue and divorced before I had to pay my first deposit on it. Celebs rush into these things and make marriage (a wonderful and amazing commitment to one another) look like a sham. There should be some sort of rule against being able to sell out your wedding! I could rant on about this for hours, but I will stop before the vein in my forehead explodes.

    Nice post Alex, I found it quite amusing and frustrating…

    • Amy Swanson

      “They were married before I even found my wedding venue and divorced before I had to pay my first deposit on it.” That is both so sad and hilarious, Jen. Wow!

    • Alex Brodsky

      Trust me, this rant could have gone on SO MUCH LONGER too. I’m sure they were able to move along so quickly since they just hired people to do everything for them, and then took one day to film themselves “planning” the wedding.

  8. Jill Tooley

    Alex, I couldn’t even edit/optimize this post without laughing. Nice.

    It aggravates me every time I hear about a new celeb couple getting engaged…especially when the couple is together for 6 months before making the decision. I can’t see any other reason why they’d get married other than the money! It’s sickening how much KK made on her wedding (in fact, that whole family sickens me in general) — had no idea how much they actually made off of it. Good lord. Everyone you mentioned here gets on my damn nerves!!

    I mentioned this to Amy and Mandy earlier, but have you ever noticed that some of the strongest celeb couples aren’t even married? Like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? Or Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis? That’s got to say something right there…

    • Alex Brodsky

      That’s definitely a good point about the non-marriage of celebs. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins were together for a good 20 or so years, unmarried and happy. Sad turn, they broke up. But they didn’t publicize anything or “tell their story (for a price)”

  9. Cybernetic SAM

    This is why I am eternally grateful I don’t have television and I was blessed with a sense not to care about any of this crap. I guess I was one of the lucky girls that I have enough to worry about let alone caring about who is with whom, etc… I am actually surprised you knew so much about this, Alex! In fact, just reading this blog I am now up to date (worth up to a couple years) about stuff I honestly had no idea. So thank you I guess? :P

    • Alex Brodsky

      Trust me, I was just as surprised as you that I knew so much. Most of it is thanks to my mom. Even when I was living out in Hollywood, I got all my celebrity gossip from her.

      • Eric

        That’s probably the worst part of it for me.

        E! is probably the nexus of basic cable sensationalist hype for the gossip-mag headline news. I don’t understand – and likely never will – why the most banal things celebrities do are anything to be considered newsworthy.

        That wedding – and many like it – was made in the name of money, or attention, or ratings, or press for a product line, etc etc…but anything at all relevant to the institution of marriage, or – dare I say it – love? Nah. Nope. They’ve got no need for it.

        RANTRANTRANT.

        Funny article about something that annoys the hell out of most sane Americans. Well done, sir.

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