image

Must-Have Promotional Products for a Zombie Apocalypse

I know, I know…high-tech weaponry would be far more effective than promotional items in an epic zombie battle. But what do you do when you’re without access to semi-automatic weapons, katanas, or chainsaws? You never know when the zombie apocalypse will be upon us, and you’ll want to be prepared no matter what. If an outbreak struck right now, then I’d definitely grab the following promo items from my inventory and psych myself out for success.

Survivor Kit:

Survival Kit

Survival Kit

This 32 oz. sports bottle with carabiner is as sturdy as they come. It has a screw-top cap so you don’t leave a trail for zombies to follow, and the following items are included with the bottle: a flashlight with strap (batteries included), emergency rescue blanket, an emergency poncho, a whistle, a compass, and a mini mirror. All it’s missing is a compact first aid kit inside that waterproof container, which you could purchase separately. If I were to get stranded in zombie-land with only a pair of promo items, then I’d hope for these!

The Lewiston Multi Tool:

The Lewiston Multi Tool

The Lewiston Multi Tool

I probably wouldn’t have the space for a full-size tool kit, but I’d definitely have room for the Lewiston Multi Tool. This handy, stainless-steel promotional product is a large hammer, a pair of pliers, a file, a bottle opener, a Phillips screwdriver, a flat head screwdriver, a knife, AND a saw…all in one! I could build a fort, open a cold one, and defend myself with this. I normally wouldn’t condone violence, but I’d make an exception if reanimated corpses were after my brains!

Backpack Cooler Bag:

Backpack Cooler Bag

Backpack Cooler Bag

I thought long and hard about the backpack or bag that I’d want with me during a zombie apocalypse, and the Backpack Cooler Bag won over dozens of others. Why? Because it’s lightweight, it has tons of storage space, and the main compartment is made of mesh (I’d be able to see if any zombie babies or squirrels jumped in there when my back was turned). I could put all of my survival necessities in this bag and still be swift enough to escape on foot.

Mozart Weekly Desk Diary:

Mozart Weekly Desk Diary

Mozart Weekly Desk Diary

You may scoff at this one, but I feel that a daily diary would be a requirement in a crisis. Because this sleek desk pad has ample room for each day of the week, I’d be able to document my successes, failures, and discoveries as they happened. Then I could easily refer back to the day when the zombie outbreak began and I’d always know the date. And who knows – maybe the undead would perish after a certain number of days like in the movies…then I’d know when it was safe to emerge.

Zippo Windproof Lighter:

Zippo Windproof Lighter

Zippo Windproof Lighter

I was never a girl scout, so I’m probably not going to build a roaring fire from two sticks. Furthermore, if I need to defend myself with fire when flesh-rotting fiends are chasing me around town, then I’m not going to waste my time with matches! That’s why I’d need this solid brass Zippo lighter – it has a windproof chimney to help me light fires even if the weather is a bit disagreeable.

Splatter Brain in a Dish Stress Ball:

Splatter Brain in a Dish Stress Ball

Splatter Brain in a Dish Stress Ball

Why in the name of Thor would I need a stress ball in the midst of an infectious outbreak? Well, I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty stressed out in a situation like that! Besides, this extra-squishy stress reliever is so close to the real thing that it might even fool those undead bastards. When in doubt, just throw your splatter brain stress reliever and RUN LIKE HELL!

I didn’t bother listing bulky first aid kits or heavy metal flashlights because they take up too much precious space. If I needed extensive first aid, then I’d find my way to the nearest hospital or drugstore ASAP. Plus, I’d stand out too much if I marched around with a gigantic flashlight (zombies don’t use them, in case you hadn’t noticed…so I’d have to be discreet with my illumination sources).

I’m the first to admit that I wouldn’t last long in a zombie apocalypse (I have weak arms…like a T-Rex), but I think I could hold out longer if I had the right tools. Are there any promotional items that you would have included on this list? Do you have any undead survival tips?

Disclaimer: We do not advocate the use of promotional products for violence. This blog post is intended for humor only.

-

Image Credits


Jill Tooley

Jill has been obsessed with words since her fingers could turn the pages of a book. She’s a hopeless bibliophile who recently purchased a Kindle after almost 6 years of radical opposition, and she loves stumbling upon new music on Pandora. Random interests include (but are not limited to) bookstores, movie memorabilia, and adorable rodents. Jill writes for the QLP blog and assists with the company’s social media accounts. You can connect with Jill on Google+.

Comments

  1. Kyle

    Awesome post!! You can’t argue with being prepared for a zombie apocalypse. All of these products would be super helpful in our fight for survival against the undead.

    Oh and for anyone who hasn’t seen AMC’s new zombie show “The Walking Dead” go watch it! It’s extremely well made and I’m sure the cast of characters would love to have these products on hand for their overwhelming battles against the undead.

    Great job and keep the creative posts coming!

    • Jill Tooley

      Thanks, Kyle!

      I haven’t seen “The Walking Dead”, but I’ve heard it’s amazing – I’ll have to check it out. I’m kind of a chicken with scary/horror movies, but for some reason I keep watching them. Zombies scare the crap out of me! I suppose all of these movies are preparing me for the inevitable zombie outbreak… ;)

    • Bret Bonnet

      AMC’s zombie show “The Walking Dead” is awesome. It’s a little gory for my wife’s tastes, but I’d argue the acting and scripting is far superior than most MAJOR Hollywood productions.

      I was so SAD when the season was over. I think it was only 6 episodes long… If AMC doesn’t pick this show up for another season I’ll be VERY disappointed.

  2. JPorretto

    Post of the Year! Granted that’s only out of like 3 posts….but still!

    The stress ball looks nice, but I’m still doing what I have to to get my hands on a shotgun!

    • Jill Tooley

      Haha, thanks! I would have included a better weapon for this post but I think we’re out of stock on the personalized shotguns! ;)

    • JJ "Suite G"

      LOL. “Post of the year.” Well played!

  3. Kat

    I got a kick out of this post! I’m a big zombie/apocalypse movie fan and each and every one of these items would come in handy and I’m sure there are MANY more promotional items that would be useful as well! Just goes to show that promotional items not only advertise your company/event, but also have many other uses!

    • Jill Tooley

      Thank you for your comment, Kat! Like I said before, I know that promo products might not be IDEAL for fighting zombies, but they’d be good to have in a pinch. :)

  4. GBDUDE

    I honestly think we would be screwed no matter what if it was a Zombie Apocalypse…

    But these products are still pretty BA!!!

  5. JJ "Suite G"

    Amazing post!

    In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t last too long in the event of a zombie apocalypse either. Of course, anyone who actually claims that they’d survive such an event is only fooling themselves. Once the water supply begins to dwindle–seeing as how all treatment facilities and distribution channels will be unmanned–it’s all over.

    It would still be fun to make a go of it though. Perhaps if I were equipped with some of the items you’ve listed then I’d stand a fighting chance. Good list, by the way. As far as promo items are concerned, yours are the ones I’d want at my disposal.

    However, you’re going to want to stock up on lighter fluid for that Zippo of yours–those bastards drain fluid faster than you can imagine. You’re also gonna want some extra flint too. And some extra wick.

    ***In fact, just forget the Zippo. Stick with matches. :)

    • Jill Tooley

      Thanks, Joe. Good call on the lighter fluid, although I think matches might be a pain in the ass too. You’re the horror movie master as far as I’m concerned, so your expertise means a lot to me! ;)

      Oh, I’d be dead pretty much immediately if zombies attacked, but at least I could take out a few of them with my trusty hammer before I bit the dust!

      • Bret Bonnet

        I don’t think I’d trust a hammer…

        One scratch/bite and you’d be a goner.

        Taking the high ground and ample separation is the ONLY way to survive – JK!

  6. Juliette

    You know me…I’m always up for packing more things into my zombie survival kit. ;)

    • Jill Tooley

      I’m so happy you left a comment, Juliette! I was hoping you’d check out this post. Just out of curiosity, are there any products I missed that you think would come in handy?

      • Juliette

        Hmmm…I’d probably reccommend a waterproof container to store amunition (especially if it has compartments or dividers) and at least a waterproof poncho (probably not in bright orange!) to protect you and your gear when caught in a storm.

        (I love the first item in your list! That’s definitely one of my first choices!)

  7. AJansen

    I have definitely thought about what I would do if there were a Zombie Apocalypse, a few times, and I think you did a great job grouping all the necessities into an easy way of traveling while attempting to survive in Zombie-land.

    • Jill Tooley

      Thanks! Deep down I think we’re all fascinated with the idea of a zombie outbreak…even though it’s obviously unlikely to occur. :)

  8. Stantz

    This post makes me want to hop on Xbox and play some Left 4 Dead 2 or Dead Rising 2.

  9. LGroce

    If there was ever a zombie outbreak I would be sure to bring the multi-function pliers, a camp light, and some binoculars. I probably wouldn’t last to long but I would least be able to see my enemies as they move in on me.

  10. Jeff

    Jill, when the attack begins, and we all know it will, these products are all cute and stuff. It’s best to travel light and stick with the basic aluminum bat for close hand to hand and if you know how, small arms for multiple group attacks. You must conserve ammo. Try to use hand to hand as much as possible. Head shots will get the best results.

    • Jill Tooley

      Jeff, I’m definitely going to come and get you if there’s a zombie apocalypse. I have no doubt that you’d be the perfect fearless leader! ;)

      I ain’t gonna be no zombie for NOBODY!

  11. Bret Bonnet

    One thing definitely missing from this list is the Vibrating Chainsaw Stress Ball…

    Jill; shame on you!

    I’ve always wondered, in the event of a zombie apocalypse; do you think that the airlines would still charge for checked baggage? :)

    Great post. Very original. I laughed out loud numerous times while reading this!

    • Jill Tooley

      Haha, well…as much as I love the Vibrating Chainsaw Stress Ball, I didn’t think it would be too effective in either warding off zombies or in helping me survive…so I left it out. It’s a good one for PROMOTING a zombie-themed event, though!

      And thanks so much, I aim to please! It’s awesome to see so many zombie fans out there. :)

  12. lizzie

    you are freaking awesome, jill! i love this article…zombie apocalypse promotional products…only you would come up with an idea that brilliant.

    • Jill Tooley

      Aww, thanks Lizzie! You’re way too sweet. I’m stoked that you enjoyed it…I have some even stranger blog ideas a’brewin, so stay tuned!

      And I can say with 100% confidence that YOU are freaking awesomer! :)

  13. Josette Bosse

    If I became a zombie… it would save me a ton on $$ on hair products, make up and uncomfortable shoes. Going barefoot for the rest of my dead life actually sounds appealing…..so maybe it’s something I should consider. Would Bubba be willing to accompany me on the journey? A Bubba Zombie?

    Love the blog!!

    • Jill Tooley

      Josette, it’s so cool to see you here! :) I’ve never thought about zombie-ism as an alternative to hair products, makeup, and cute but uncomfortable shoes…but maybe I should. And OF COURSE Bubba would be willing to come with you on your journey! If I knew how to do creative things with Photoshop, then I’d design a Bubba zombie for you right now…

      THANK YOU for commenting and come back ANYTIME! :)

  14. Cybernetic SAM

    How did I not see this Post!?!?! Fantastic! This by far is my favorite post ever! way to go Jill!

  15. Jason Borne

    I kick bad guys butts for a living and I still found this post helpful.

    Bring on the zombies! :)

  16. Sara

    I love zombies and everything to do with them! Thanks for this nice read!

  17. The Walking Dead: 5 Tips for Surviving Business (or a Zombie Apocalypse)

    [...] book series by the same name, and it follows a group of people living through, you guessed it, a zombie apocalypse. Watching them figure out how to survive in a world full of scary dead people (called “walkers” [...]

  18. Jason

    Nice post but you need to learn how to be able to live of the land as well. I’ve grown up knowing how but for those who don’t they have books out that can inform you on how to survive in the wild. Oh and don’t forget to find someone to reproduce with lol

Leave a Comment